Big Blonde And Beautiful, Minus Two

Time for a "let's face it" moment. Let's face it, then: I'm fat.

No, I'm not morbidly obese; I would, in fact, not be accepted at Fat Pride type groups. But I am, technically, obese--Obesity means a BMI over 30, and mine is 32.5. I am quite technically, a fatty.

It's fairly obvious why--if you've met me for long enough to eat with me, you'll have noticed that I eat nothing but greasy/fatty/sugary/carby foods, and en masse. I also am a lazy bum, and I also have deep-rooted issues involving a recurring fear that people are coming to take my food away. The very first thing I did, after emerging from the womb, was suck on my mother's finger so hard she was afraid it would come off (she's doing much better, btw. She's home, using her cane, doing her physical therapy. She's very mopey, of course, but you would be too, if you were hit by a fucking truck).

The point is, then, that I'm taking action. Not because of the way I look--if you've met me, you'll have noticed that I hardly make a fuss over that. But rather, because of doctors. According to them (as if they're a massive entity, like the Borg), I am "pre-diabetic,", which is doctor-slang for "if you don't lose weight, you're going to get diabetes and have to take shots three times a day, you fatty." I have been this way since the 11th grade. I have also gained 35 pounds since the 11th grade, the majority of them during College, which was stressful and wherein I had Depression. (a Great Depression, in fact--my stock was SO LOW. Okay, metaphor over.) The point is, the doctors are all "man, why you even gotta do a thing?" the thing being "gain so much weight, idiot?"

So, I'm going to fat camp. I'll see you in a month. I leave you now with two jokes I thought up last night and facebook-messaged myself.

The first is re: this photo album, which contains two pictures of Frankie talking to her Nebraskan boyfriend on the telephone. The telephone is "tagged" with said boyfriends name. The story goes:

Some random guy from Omaha Nebraska is going to click on "View More Photos of Ben Sherman" and they'll see a blurry-ass picture of Frankie, and they'll click on the album to be all "what's up with this shit?" and they'll see "poo party? what the fuck? this chick is weird." And then, years later, we'll all be staying at the same hotel (with a pool) for Frankie and Sherman's Hott Wedding, and I'll be sitting by the pool and remark "isn't this a great poo party? They took the L and made my name," and they'll be like "You're from the Internet!"

It was funnier out loud.

The second is re: The Rapture, which is a pet topic of mine. One day, when I am a successful religion major, I would like to study the Rapture. My main sources would be Revelations and the Left Behind franchise and the play "The Faculty Room." I'd have fun.

1) The Rapture Where Nobody Came -- all are evil -- like that one passage about Sodom and/or Gommorah

2) The Really Subtle Rapture -- People mysteriously disappeared, missing persons cases never solved, turns out, they were with Jesus.

3) New York Is The Kingdom of Heaven -- Well, you know, Jesus can't be everywhere at once, so he uses his God powers to make all good people move to New York, and then takes it up, wholesale.


Important: With all the bad things happening in Iraq, Israel, Lebannon, Iran, North Korea, The Sudan, Rwanda, France, and Peoria, perhaps now IS the End Times and we just haven't bothered to declare it such. Of course, knowing TV (embedd Youtube Video of "Brink of War?"), they'd take till the literal end of the universe (The Big Bing) to declare it the Brink of Apocalypse.