The L Word, or I am Sorry For Not Blogging Recently. Or Change.

Hey, remember last time I blogged, in November? (No, that other one, about the stupid lesbianism, that was Frankie. She was getting me back for some prank I'd pulled on her. Oh, right, I'd put my own addendum on her draft of the film snob awards, but, come on, I didn't publish them. That's rude.)

So, I can't do a big catch up post. I'm doing better on the socializing--Friday I went to a Rocky Horror and amused lots of people by being one of three people who knew callbacks; Saturday I went to an event called "Porn and Milkshakes," but my milkshake tasted funny and Deep Throat is almost so bad as to not _be_ funny. Except for this one scene, wherein this one guy--the plot is that this girl with a clit in her throat rather than on her vulva becomes a sex therapist/hooker--so,the scene started out like a normal patient, but then, slowly, he slid a beaker into her pussy (where his penis also was). He then filled it with a liquid. Then that "I'd like to teach the world to sing" song started up. The doctor began narrating, saying "Patient X. 35, obsessed with proving that everything does go better with Coke." And then, Linda Lovelace and the patient continue fucking, while drinking the pussy-coke with a long straw.

So, anyway, other than those vague attempts at socializing, I've been watching TV. I've watched the complete Scrubs twice since January 21st, and I've watched tons of Buffy and half of Weeds and all of Undeclared and some Degrassi and some South of Nowhere, and, of course, my flagship, the L Word. Unfortunately, the L Word sucks without me being able to give commentary to my mom, so here it is: a typed commentary, sort of like a recap (a real one will be available here soon), but mostly just the commentary part.

Hey, people, guess my star sign. I'll give you a hint--I'm born on July 8th, and Dana has it.

Ewww, cybersex. Bette had it coming, almost, but maybe not. I don't like Bette, because she prioritizes her "art" above all things, including providing MONEY for her INFANT. But Tina... well, if she wanted to fool around with guys, maybe that's something they could have talked about. offscreen. Because I'm sick of them.

I like Tina's new haircut. "I don't have a husband" is subtle and not a lie. but it's a lie in spirit. I can't be down with that. But, again, she's lying AT WORK. a place Bette could stand to be.

I can't tell if Cumming just said "bisexual speed dating night" or "five-sexual." There are, as Frankie's professor said, five sexes. Because humans are Dutch. And Cumming claims to be "omni," which, in saying all, implies he believes in more than two. And, you know, I kinda like the binary. Sorry. So, bisexual it is. And, also, Alice is saying the word bisexual over and over again. I wish she weren't fucked up so I could relate to her, because, seriously, cancer-having tennis stars, chefs, movie executives, "artistes,"... I can so much more relate to a columnist at a crappy magazine who aspires to no greater things.

Heee! I love this little straight man! You serenade the hell out of Foxy Brown! Why is he wearing eyeliner at bisexual speed dating if he's going for a menopausal straight black chick?

I've been sympathizing with Carmen's lack of sympathy for Moria/Max till now, but I can't agree on the messy room thing. On one square foot (approx) of my floor, I see a cow slipper, three bottlecaps, shavings from a plastic thing I cut up with an exacto-knife, a sock, and about five million breadcrumbs. Imagine that times whatever square footage I have. I'm a mess. (I'M A MONSSTTEERR!)

Speaking of monsters, I wonder if this lady's job is spelled Vampirologist or Vampyrologist. And if she talks about Buffy. The way she talks, it sound more like she's a Anne Rice/Dracula/"Classic" vampi(y)re fan. Or, from the continuing of this conversation, vampyre itself.

What the hell is this "throw down the keys" thing I see whenever I see a starving documentary filmmaker? And speaking of bad documentaries, Mark's documentary in the Rent movie was seriously the equivalent of my dad's super8 home videos of himself as a kid, but with a drag queen as a star rather than an 8 year old. Seriously, that's not filmmaking, that's proud parenting.

Oh, nice cover-up, Tina. "Some big secret internet sex life." Research purposes. So incredibly unsubtle. Now, here's a good time to say this, but on Scrubs episode 5.07, The Blanks sing an a capella "Maniac," and I keep thinking of it when I see Jen Beals.

Helena is pretty and British. What the hell is Ellen's Ex's documentary about, besides strange black ladies who are pregnant and have guns and go by "Mistress P?" And how is the death of "Sumatra" by gunshot a turn on for either of these people? Helena has an amazing "Goody! I am kissing a girl!" smile. It's very cute. I never disliked her as much as most people, because, recall, I hate Bette, so her last-season humiliation was funny, to me. Ah, here's the problem. I was wondering why we had to see so much of this sex scene, because usually they cut away after a few tasteful moments unless something's going to interrupt or be revealed. So, the problem: filmmaker lady has a boyfriend.

They keep saying "Lara" like Laura and it's freaking me out. "Stop trying to make me feel good about my cancer" is my new favorite phrase, and I will use it on someone soon, mark my words.

Dana's trying reallllly hard to make everyone not worry about this, but of course, all these women know from breast cancer. And, hee, Bette and Helena both know about Tina's lumpectomy scars.

Okay, what the hell is Max doing? (It's Max now, I think, because ze [yes, I said ze. sue me] is wearing a suit.) Oh, applying for a job. I don't care. Oh, man, that's a great exchange.
Suit: "Moria... That's a girl's name, isn't it?"
Moira: "Yeah, I'm a girl."
Suit: "Oh. I wasn't saying I didn't know if you were a girl. I was just saying... about the name."

Tina kind of reminds me of Gabrielle from Xena, but, you know, girlier and not in a fantasy series. Not that I was watching Xena every day of Christmas break. Because I am in no way desperate for lesbians. Okay, wow, that's a lie. I apologize for my dishonesty. So should Tina. Accepting gifts from male directors she's working with who clearly have a crush on her and who she told she didn't have a husband... shame, shame, shame.

Is Lara trying to convince Dana to tell Alice about the malignancy? because that's... probably not a good idea. Alice has a date with a vampyr, remember?

Holy shit, why is Shane's lost love back for her? Shane was fine with hot spicy latina Carmen and noooooo, every time I fucking like a couple. every fucking time. (Double spoilers for Degrassi, there, because that picture proves the breakup of a couple that doesn't even exist yet in the US.)

Tina: "I think work takes priority over meditation group."
Bette: "That's not right."
Tina: "WTF, mate?" Not really, but, seriously, clearly-pregnant Bette, it does.
Okay, look, Bette was NOT sole-wage earner for 7 and a half years. She was for just the half. Tina quit her job RIGHT before the pilot. Come ON.

OHMGa a gasfk ak;sfnenma kanaj
Sorry, Shane has glasses on. And now idiot woman is taking them off, because she wants to have sex, but Shane's gonna stop her, RIGHT? Oh, good, Carmen's here. to save the day. and teach Shane an important lesson about acting like a girlfriend. Ugh. Except it didn't take, because Shane is stuck in her hot, hot ways.

Wait, ObviouslyPregnantBette went to mediation? where the hell is the baby?

Jenny's sporadic appearance in this episode is making her so much less annoying.
When that guy said she wasn't fish or foul, she should have said "I'm a lobster," because of the terrible, terrible speech she made about lobsters that one time. And see, now Jenny's being nice, and helping Moira drag-up.

Whoa, the vampyr just bit Alice. And Max is packing, and Shane is uncomfortable, and this is too early for the group wrap-up scene. And Helena, I will repeat, is kinda hot. Heee! Alice is funny. It's a real vampire! HEeeeeeee! ooh, I wanna go watch Buffy steada this.

The Whitney? That's in my neighborhood at home. That is NOT in LA. Which has an L. And is the location of this show. Oh, man, awkward. The East is capital-a-art and the West is movies and money. I

Hee. I like yoga, but Alan Cumming in a "fuck yoga" gun show shirt makes me giggle.

Alice, are you allowed to have the post-sex dish on a CELL PHONE while still on HER BED? in the other woman's house? is this the new fun? Oh, it's not a post-sex dish. it's a "have Helena google vampires for me so I can suspect this hot girl who just gave me great head with greater authority." Well, the website said nothing about S&M... but I suppose that's implied. And VampWillow liked to say that "in [her]world, there were people in chains and [they] could ride them like ponies." Which is funny, because non-Vamp Willow was afraid of ponies, because one bit her arm at a birthday party. Oh, my, god, Shapiro, stop thinking about Buffy.
HEEEEEE! Uta Refson in the mirror looks like Nosferatu and that is the BEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN. The shot of that. I am uploading that for you.
Isn't it hot?

Ooh, and finally, we get to cut away from ALICE in orgasmic bliss to DANA looking sad. Oh, but she quickly enters into the orgasmic bliss part of the program. Oh, but it's crying orgasmic bliss, because her boobies are leaving.

Oh, God, I don't care about Tina's feeeeelings about men. Smack down stupid hippie Bette some more. don't give her this cybersex related ammunition.

Shane! Shane! Come back, Shane! Come back to Carmen and happy hot land! Damn. Well, this is kinda hot, too, but they don't have the same chemistry as Moening and Shahi. Wouldn't it be uncomforable to make out in a pool while wearing jeans? Oh, look, Shane has a dildo. Straight girls, straight girls, guess what? This is one more step towards you subsuming your naughty urges towards men. Or something. I'm tired. Good night, and good luck.